This Satirical News Blip Was 1st Featured On HumorOutcasts as Gwendolyn L. Spelvin.
Boob Rash Disease is becoming an epidemic in the United States parallel to the AIDS epidemic in the 1980s. Photo: BIRDman Foundation.
Every year in the United States women are ignored for any health related afflictions that can be chalked up to ‘womanly problems’. Outside confirmed cases of breast or reproductive cancer, anything that doesn’t require anesthesia and a chopping block are just tough titty.
The taboo surrounding health care professionals coming into close contact with a woman’s upper lady parts is considered medical normalcy. Breasts don’t exist for anything other than a sexual fetish by plain definition in the Hippocratic Oath, with few willing to break it.
As such, over 100 million women a year are undiagnosed with Boob Rash Disease. 42% are in Stage 4 and considered terminal. The itchy, scratchy, moist, burning sensation rivaling an STD from skin and sweat irritation under their breast manifolds eventually develops infection, which can silently kill.
Since the printing of the Feminine Mystique, over 200,000 thousand women in the United States have scratched themselves to death. Unable to be taken seriously by the medical profession, women are left to self-medicating as best they can to cope with the uncomfortableness of their chests smelling like bare feet left in leather boots for ten days. This can include anything from flour coating to athletic foot products covering the perimeter of the affected area.
Old wives remedies are just a band-aid over a leak. Since society views sagging breasts as a complete turn-off, women suffer through it and just die. Primary physicians consider a woman’s identity is exclusively in her breasts regardless of the cost. After all, an infected breast for a desperate man to stare at is better than no breast at all, lest she lose her place in society.
Boob Rash Gone Wild To Flipping The BIRD
Since 2010 the United States has seen a surge in fat men acquiring Boob Rash Disease for the first time in medical history to the point its considered to be an epidemic rivaling AIDS. The Center for Disease Control said the outbreak among men is so catastrophic that one out of every two men will be carriers, and one out of five will get it full blown.
Currently, medical professionals consider women to be the carriers of the disease, with new strains evolving solely around testosterone. The outcry from the fat male community has been loud; the Center for Disease Control recently added Boob Rash Disease to its list of male STIs in 2015. A campaign by the CDC also was implemented to keep the gay community on its toes about protecting itself from contraction during sex play.
On the public stage fat men suffering are even petitioning a name change to Breast Infection Rash Disease (BIRD) out of societal shame and anger of contracting a woman’s disease. Flipping the BIRD has become the new protest slogan to fight the illness and many pamphlets have been distributed to male clinics by the CDC in hopes of raising awareness and stopping the pandemic.
In part to government mandated support by Congress, Boob Rash Disease has seen a radical progressive push in finding a cure for fat men than what is offered to their female counterparts. According to experts, Boob Rash Disease affects the functioning rate of every cell in a man’s penis. They also control heart rate, blood flow, erectile dysfunction, energy level, and erection regularity – a priority over the mundane business of a woman’s menstruation cycle.
Either way, aggressive treatment has prevented any fat male deaths due to a cocktail of amped steroids, cortisone, and oxytocin for pain. Those in treatment have stated explicably that while it feels a slight more intense than traditional jock itch, medical professionals prescribe them enough drugs at their disposal to supply a football team and through full insurance coverage.
Women, on the other hand, are on the economic hook for any prescribed treatments assigned to them out of pocket. Regardless, the treatment is paving a breakthrough for doctors to take the disease more seriously and prevent future deaths. Anything that affect’s a male phallus in the long term is under special federal protections of the masculine gender’s right to their own bodies. And whether or not women like it, it’s a small price to pay for finding a cure.
Currently, male treatment eradicates symptoms in hours with complete elimination without side effects in days. Women should not worry; while there is no definitive research focusing on the estrogen aspects of their Boob Rash Disease, there has been a ported experimental non-FDA approved drug for their ladyparts that promises to alleviate all symptoms in seven months.
The most common side effects that women are at risk for are confusion, excitement, restlessness, headache, nausea, vomiting, thinning skin, acne, trouble sleeping, weight gain, depression, suicide, skin rash, severe itching, swelling of the lips, face, or tongue, change in vision, depletion of sex drive, and multiple organ failure.
For more information on Boob Rash Disease go to The BIRDmen Foundation of America Web site.