Boris Johnson Denies Freedom Of Bowel Movements

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LONDON, UK – Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has denied telling four chambermaids he supported freedom of bowel movement, stating that he would never gander such a thing.

As a staunch advocate of constipation, Johnson has been at the helm of instituting mandated bowel restriction throughout the UK in an effort to control tolerance to immigration reform.

“Bowel movements deter great leadership.  Constipation gives any good politician their grit to show citizens they mean business and can take back control if necessary.” Johnson told reporters at a buffet brunch in Teddington exclusively filled with dairy products and starches.

The Foreign Secretary is a champion of an official referendum for the restriction of bowel movements for all UK politicians, citing it as ‘the cornerstone of colonic UK political birthright’.

Among Johnson’s supporters are Iain Duncan Smith, who credits the Brexit vote on limited bowel functions as a virtue of commitment to never surrender without a fight.

According to Smith, “flatulence is great, but most of life is locked bowels without relief.  Never underestimate the determination of a constipated politician with the ability to create a vote.”

With the heightened attention to his alleged remarks, Johnson reaffirms his commitment that bowel restrictions were the key factor in controlling Brexit negotiations and shows leaders will hold their logs as long as possible for the greater good.

“As I have discovered myself, there is no diarrhea, only constipation.  And indeed, constipation always breathes new life for those that can get through it and keep calm.”

Johnson is set to meet with ambassadors on Monday to continue Brexit negotiations.

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